i feel like crying

i never realized
how many accidents there are
until i moved next to the fire station.
i hear them go by at least
ten times a day.
so i wonder
how many people
flick cigarette butts
into gas cans
or dogs pull over grills
or toddlers stick their fingers
in electrical sockets.

sockets.

eye sockets.
i'd like to gouge out my eyes,
somedays.
it would keep me from seeing
what a mistake i was.

did you see?
i knicked myself shaving.
there was a lot of pretty blood;
it sat around the drain,
refusing to be swallowed up.
kind of like you,
i thought.
you were never part of the crowd.
but then again,
neither was i.
and even though i was alone,
i never felt lonely
until you showed me how it felt
to be happy.
maybe i never felt like i belonged with you,
but you made me feel
like i was wanted,
at least.

wanted:
a heart that will beat regularly.
will trade:
emptied eye sockets
and empty pockets.
i have a lot of nothing.

nothing.
i think that's what i've always had.
when i had something,
i lost everything i didn't have.
i missed what was never mine,
so i gave that something back
so i could have nothing again.
and now i am nothing.

you don't look surprised.

well, that's okay.
i don't feel surprised either.